It was the first earthquake I was ever in with my son, and, uh, it was so funny, ’cause he was sitting–he was sitting on the couch like this watching, uh, TV, right? And, uh, and I’d just got out of the shower and I’m toweling off. It was about– it was about four years ago or five years ago. Buy a girl a drink, and look at her, and go, “How are you feeling?” And she’s like, “I was at that show, asshole.” – I was in my first earthquake. Don’t do it at the bar across the street, you’ll get caught. There are some guys here that are gonna try that shit tonight. Like, right when she takes a sip out of her drink, just look at her and go, “How are you feeling?” “Wha–Wha?” “I said, ‘How are you feeling?'” “I don’t feel good.” “You don’t look good either.” She doesn’t know what the fuck is going on. When you’re out drinking with a girl, all right, use the voice that she thinks she hears when she’s being roofied. This is what I do… Creepy guys, listen up. Just a side note, any guy that’s ever roofied a girl, you’re a piece of shit. “And then you’ll wake up– ‘My butt hurt!’ You got rupied.” “You will drink it, fall asleep, you wake up, “they’re fucking your ass. And put them all over the bar.” “Someone will put a rupie in one of those drinks. “Oh, okay, Josep, you know what? Then just go. Thank you for the advice, but, uh, I’m gonna be okay.” And then she gets mad. “I-I-I don’t think anyone’s gonna ‘rupie’ me. And it’s a date rape drug.” “Mom, I’m all right. They call it ‘rupie.'” “Did you say, ‘rupie’?” “Yes, Josep, ‘rupie.'” “You mean ‘roofie’?” “Yes, Josep, ‘ru-pie.'” “Mom, why? Why are you talk–” “Because, Josep, what it is “is they put it in the drinks.
“Jo-sep, the reason why I’m telling you “why what bar is because there’s people out there putting drugs in the drinks.” “What are you talking about, Mom?” “Drugs, Josep, drugs.
Why, Mom? Why are you call– I got to go.” “Well, because, Josep, the reason why I’m asking you…” That’s how my mom talks to me. If I go to the bar, my mom’s the first one to call me and go, “Josep, are you going to a bar out there? “Are you going out there? To those bars? That bar?” “Yeah, I’m going to those bars, Mom, why?” “Which bar? Which bar, Josep? Which?” Like she knows all the fucking bars. The worst advi–That’s why I had to leave my mom. “It’s your sister’s birthday.” “Your brother’s getting married.” “Oh, that sucks, Mom.” My mom would give the worst advice. Most exciting news in the world, depression on the face. Right? It doesn’t matter how exciting the news is, my mom’s face always looks depressed. “I was in the break room, “and her purse fall down, ticket fall out, “it says, ‘Jo Koy.’ “And she’s at the show, laughing, having good time.” If you’re not Filipino, that’s how they talk. Now she’s telling the doctor, “She’s at the comedy show. All the other Filipino nurses came to the show. Like, the ones that didn’t come to the show, the snitchy fuckin’ Filipino nurse. Just doctors walking around, going, “Where’s Bernadette?” “She’s at the comedy show.” That’s how Filip– That’s how those Filipino nurses talk. Somewhere in Glendale, there’s an empty hospital. Is that–is that– How many Filipinos in here right now? Let me just hear how many Filipinos. Chicken and waffles right around… Right around this area there’s a chicken and waffle… Some Filipino food all over the goddamn place. You know what I mean? I can smell every– like, you can– There’s, like, some tortillas right around here. I mean, we got–like, you can smell each race in here. Like, we got every color of the rainbow in the theater tonight. We’re in Los Angel– This is why I love coming home to Los Angeles.
Live from the Alex Theatre, give it up for Jo Koy!
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